humorous
inspirational | humorous | relationships | reflection | words
Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't
realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
Hobbes:
Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a schizophrenic, and so am I.
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Some people are alive simply because it's against the law to kill them.
First god created man, then he had a better idea.
"30,000 people die everyday... why aren't you one of them?"
"Tales of my death have been greatly exaggerated."
Never criticize a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes... by that time he's a mile away... plus you have his shoes!
Everyone has the power to make others happy; some do it by entering the room, others by leaving it.
There are two types of mints you never turn down in life: breath mints and compliments. Either way, someone is trying to tell you something.
The Chalk Outline guy's got a good job. Not too dangerous, the criminals are long gone. I guess these are people who wanted to be sketch artists but they couldn't draw very well. "Uh, listen, Jon, forget the sketches, do you think if we left the dead body right there on the sidewalk you could manage to trace around it?" How does that help them solve the crime? They look at the thing on the ground, "Oh, his arm was like that when he hit the pavement.... the killer must have been...Jim."
"Time flies like an arrow, Fruit flies like a banana."
Kids in the back seat cause accidents, accidents in the back seat cause kids.
"If women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at the beginning of our menstrual cycle when the female hormone is at its lowest level, then why isn't it logical to say that, in those few days, women behave the most like the way men behave all month long?"
"Remember, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels."
"I'll moider da bum."
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible."
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
English is stupid:
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in
hamburger.
There is no apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins
weren't invented in England.
French fries in weren't invented in France
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
Quicksand is slow.
Boxing rings are square.
A Guinea pig is neither
from Guinea nor is it a pig.
Writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers
don't groce and hammers don't ham.
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why
isn't the plural of booth beeth?
You can make amends but not one amend.
You comb through annals of history but not a SINGLE annal.
If you have a
bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
Teachers taught, preachers don't praught.
If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
If you wrote a letter, could you
have bote your tongue?
People recite at a play and play at a recital.
Ship by truck and send cargo or a truck by ship.
Noses run and feet
smell.
Park on driveways and drive on parkways.
Lift a thumb to thumb a
lift.
Table a plan in order to plan a table.
A slim chance and a fat
chance are the same, but a wise man and wise guy are opposites..
Overlook and
oversee are opposites, but quite a lot and quite a few are the same.
How can
a person be "pretty ugly?".
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and
cold as hell another?
Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful
gown?
Met a sung hero or experienced requited love?
Have you ever run
into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable?
Where are all
those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?
A
house can burn up as it burns down.
Fill in a form by filling it out.
An
alarm clock goes off by going on.
Why is "crazy man" an insult, while to
insert a comma and say "crazy, man!" is a compliment.
When the stars are
out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
Suicide hotline... please hold.
If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
Illiterate? Write for free help.
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
The cost of feathers has rises... now even DOWN is up!
The dentist said my wisdom teeth were retarded.
Procrastination means never having to say you're sorry.
Remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.
Sumo Wrestling: survival of the fattest.
10 out of 5 doctors feel it's OK to be schitzo!
3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.
Gravity doesn't exist. The world sucks.
Grow your own dope. Plant a man.
H lp! S m b d st l ll th v w ls fr m m k yb rd!
It's like Deja Vu all over again...
My inferiority complexes aren't as good as yours.
Never argue witha woman when she's tired, or rested.
Never hit a man with glasses. Use your fist!
Dyslexics of the world, UNTIE!
Tis better to have loved a short than to never have loved a tall.
Bumper sticker on a hearse: I'd rather be breathing.
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
I spilled spot remover on my dog, and now he's gone.
I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
A mind is a terrible thing to ugg.. I forgot.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.
My electrician usually worries about current events.
Why didn't the frog sit on the toadstool? Because there wasn't mushroom.
Show me where Stalin is buried and I'll show you a communist plot.
"When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty."
"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a dark side, it has a light side, and it holds the Universe together."
"People say hard work never killed anyone, but I say why should I take the chance?"
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
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